Feeding the monster

Posted: April 12, 2017 in Musings

There are some days that having this disorder really does not bother me. I thought I would never say that, but I am finding it to be true more often than not since I began actually trying to “beat” it. I think I went into it thinking that I was going to “cure” myself, that there would come a day when I would not pull at all and then it would gradually get easier and easier to not pull, but of course that has not happened.

I did not even consider that maybe instead of stopping I would instead get to a place mentally and emotionally where I could live with it and sort of put it aside rather than making it the focus of my life everyday. I’ve given it too much attention over the years, it is a sort of monster that I’ve fed, thinking I could pacify it, appease it, to convince it to move out of my head. Instead I have found that I must accept that it will always live there, but I don’t have to give it as much attention, it does not have to have that much control over me.

I still want it gone, more than anything, but maybe I will have this the rest of my life. As hard as that is to think about, I have to admit that that is a possible reality.  But I can focus my time on other things, such as art and writing, and put the monster on the back-burner so to speak.

I am back to wearing a hat. I did not for a few days, but when I feel the back of my head I know there is a huge bald spot, and I am terrified of it being seen, or even just the thought of it being seen, so I have decided I would cover it up until (hopefully) my hair grows in a bit there. That is, if I can stop pulling from that spot. That particular spot is one of my most common pull areas, for reasons as unknown as why I do this in the first place. There really is no explanation for any of it. It is on the right hand side, and I am right-handed, and I think part of it is muscle memory too, but who knows, I am no doctor.

I am trying to convince myself that I can be pretty without long hair, that I can still be and feel feminine. It’s hard though, knowing that our society puts more value on women with long, luscious tresses.

Day by day, one day at a time.

Peaceful hands, peaceful thoughts.

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