How To Be Happy, Dammit

Posted: January 26, 2017 in Uncategorized

I created this blog as a way to track my progress and hopefully help other people dealing with this. Unfortunately there has not been much progress, so there’s not much to say there. I was doing really well for awhile. I spent a few weeks in a pretty deep depression, and when I get deep, I mean really deep, I lose interest in everything and for some reason my urge to pull decreases to the point that it is almost non existent. I am not sure how that works or why, but  I really don’t need any more questions keeping me up at night so I am going to leave that one alone for now.

The deep depression is much worse than the continued pulling. I never thought I’d say that anything was worse than pulling, but being suicidal is far worse. Being suicidal is a state of mind that really has no words. It is the most pain possible in mental form. The fact that it cannot be literally seen and is often written off as a plea for attention makes it so much worse. It’s forcing yourself to breathe when you really don’t want to, forcing yourself to go through the motions of the day. It’s robotic, muted, and yet you’re screaming inside.

Anyway, I am gradually coming out of it. I say that reluctantly because it is so painstakingly gradual that I question whether or not it is even worth mentioning. But I can feel a little bit now.  . . heat and cold, things like that. My appetite has somewhat returned. But, alas, I have started pulling at night again, right before I go to bed. That is supposed to be the most peaceful time of the day right?

I have noticed that my pulling, anxiety and depression gets gradually worse throughout the day. I wake up refreshed, most of the time, and optimistic, ready to make the day the best ever. By noon that has started to fade and by the evening I am a hot mess. Sigh. At least I have noticed a pattern, at least.

I know there are things I need to do more of. I need to meditate, I need to breathe deeply, I need to take one thing at a time, I need to keep in touch with friends. Don’t we all?

I recently re-read a book that I had not read for awhile, it is called “How To Be Happy, Dammit” by Karen Salmansohn. My mom bought it for me years ago. It is a quick read, it can be read in one sitting, the pages are bright and fun and it is funny. It makes you think of things in a different way, it redirects your thinking a bit.

I’ve been drawing almost every day, it is like a fever, it just possesses me and I feel like I have to draw. It does not matter what, I just need to put pen to paper. I usually feel like that with writing, and I still do, but the urge to draw has been much stronger.

If you took the time to read this, I hope you are doing well. Tomorrow is a new day. Namaste. Here is my most recent drawing: 16265381_10154041116401784_3922764976864604663_n

 

 

 

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