New challenges

Posted: January 18, 2016 in Musings

It’s been a few weeks since I had my hair extensions put in, and I have loved having hair. I can’t stop touching it, I can’t stop looking at it . . . I love feeling it on the back of my neck, I even love it when it gets in my face.

Quite a few of them have come out, which I guess is normal with extensions. I need to go back in and have them put back in. People who have trichotillomania love the feeling of the strand(s) of hair coming out, it is like a great release of stress, of pressure. When an entire extension comes out it is a similar feeling. Feeling that large amount of hair being removed feels like the release of a contaminate in a way. It feels like I am relieving my body of something foreign (even when it is my own hair).

When I wash the hair I can feel the beads that hold the extensions in within my fingers. It’s so hard to resist figiting with them, pulling them, twisting them. I know that a few of them have come out because I have been messing with them and loosening them. But, I am not going to beat myself up over that . . . I have to stop beating myself up.

Having these hair extensions has given me great incentive to not pull. They serve as a sort of barrier. When I feel the long strands and my hand reaches up to pull I feel it and something clicks . . . I don’t want to mess these up. And I want to train myself to stop pulling. Maybe this is the sort of bridge I need to stop this cycle. I remain hopeful. The extensions do not go all the way up on the top of my head, so I find myself pulling more from the top than ever before. But, overall I think the pulling has been lessened . . . not significantly, but even a little is a success.

On another positive note, it is growing in . . . I can feel my own hair beneath the extensions getting longer. And especially on the sides, right above my ears where I most often pull, is getting longer. Because my hair is so ridiculously curly it is at an awkward length where it just sort of sticks out. There’s no taming it, unless I pin it with tons of barrettes. That is when I pull it the most, when it is the least  . . . even, ruly, tame. I want it to be even, to be flat, and when it is not it drives me crazy. So this stage is very challenging for me. This is really a test.

I am going to make a solid effort to blog more. I have so much to say, I have been extra stressed because of a new position at work, I have been super anxious about leaving the house because I still have to wear a hat.  . .

I’ll get to all that soon. Peaceful hands.




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