Phantom hair

Posted: November 4, 2015 in Musings
Tags: , , , ,

I had long hair up until I was about 13 years old. And when I say long, I mean LONG. I could sit on it, and often did, and it would yank my head back if I forgot to tuck it off to the side before I sat down. I’d wash it in the morning and in the afternoon the center would still be wet, even on a hot day — it was that thick. I would get headaches from the weight. . . . I did not know that was the cause then, but looking back I was able to put two and two together.

When it was long I would, as many girls do, tuck the strands behind my ear to prevent them from getting in my face. That was 20-plus years ago, but I still do it, all the time. There is no hair there to tuck, and yet, I still find my hand reaching up to grab the wayward lock of hair and tuck it behind my ear. Why? Could it have been that it was such a subconscious movement that it remains engrained all these years later?

It’s just like when I feel the urge to pull — my hand goes up there with no prompt from me, it just goes up on its own. But I don’t pull, I just grab the imaginary strand of hair and tuck it securely behind my ear. I’ve  noticed that I do it more durning bouts of anxiety, so I know it is basically the same thing.

Sigh. I wish so much that I knew how to stop doing this. To stop pulling. It may sound selfish with all the problems in the world, and maybe it is, but all I really want is to have long hair again. I want to feel like a woman. This disorder and lack of locks makes me feel less feminine. I try every day. Every day I fight back. I am just still waiting for that formula, that combination of internal and external things that will cause what ever in my mind that’s doing this to snap and break and set me free. There is a combination for me out there, something that will make this stop. I just can’t find it!


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