No extensions after all

Posted: October 5, 2015 in Musings
Tags: , , , ,

Awhile back I had written about the fact that I was going to get hair extensions. I finally found a stylist who would not laugh at me and agreed to help me. She even rearranged her schedule for me so that I could meet with her after I got off work at 5 p.m. I was referred to her through a therapist . . . this woman, the stylist, has been through some terrible things in her life and sees the same therapist, so it made sense. She knew that she would help me and not laugh.

Any way, the extensions are not going to happen, unfortunately. My hair is a very unique color, it is a reddish blonde, kind of hard to explain. It is also very, very curly. Like unruly, stuck my finger in a light socket curly. Finding extensions that matched both is pretty difficult if not impossible. So the plan was to order straight, blonde extensions and then to dye and perm them to match my hair.

When the hair came in the mail (weird, huh?) I was so excited. The thought of being able to feel my hair on my shoulders again after all these years . . . it was finally going to happen.

So, long story cut in half, the stylist tried dying them . . . we finally had to combine two hair colors to get it to match mine, and the color would not take. Then, she tried perming them and it was the same story. . . the curl won’t take to the extensions. She pretty much told me, sorry, it’s not going to work out.

Ya know that sick, sinking feeling you get in the very pit of your stomach when someone gives you bad news? To say I felt that would be an understatement. Devastated? Shocked? It’s as if the universe is trying to tell me that I am not meant to have long hair, it is simply not in the cards for me.

I am not upset at the stylist, it’s not her fault, she tried and tried, putting in so much of her own time and money for me . . . I was just so sure it would work, so was she, we were both so confident with this.

But, it is what it is. I can’t waste any more of my time being upset about something that I cannot change. I can’t change the fact that the hair extensions are not going to work. I can only move foreword. That is what I would tell someone else if they told me this same story. For some reason I am really good and giving heartfelt, meaningful advice, but I am not good at taking my own.
You’d think that this most recent setback would make me pull like crazy, but surprisingly it is has decreased as of late. It seems to come and go in waves . . . I will pull like crazy for a few days and then hardly anything for the next few. Unfortunately the damage done during the pulling spree is not repaired in the few days that I don’t pull.

Fortunately I am in a non-pulling phase right now. The urge is just not there, not here right now. Right now at this very moment I have no desire to pull out my hair. But in an hour, who knows, I may create a big bald spot on the side of my head.

That is probably the most frustrating thing about this, the fact that there is no rhyme or reason. I cannot figure out what is different between the times I don’t want to pull and the times I do, other than the obvious trigger — anxiety.

But it is more than just the anxiety. It’s as if something inside me comes awake and when I pull, it’s like being possessed, really, you have no control over what you are doing. It is truly bizarre.

Anyway, so ya, no long hair for me any time soon. But, my devastation did not last long, which I suppose is a good sign. I am handling it better now than I would have a few years ago, so I guess I’ve grown in that sense. I wish that the progress I have made on the inside would reflect on the outside.

It’s getting chilly here in Idaho, and although I really hate the cold, I am grateful because now I can wear hats nearly all the time. I have tons of stocking caps.

So I have today. Accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can. I can choose to be positive.

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