I need to write more

Posted: June 22, 2015 in Musings

I started this blog with the intention of writing about my successes and failures in battling TTM so that it may help someone else with this and perhaps help to educate people about this disorder.

And, I’m not going to lie, I started this to hopefully help myself as well. Writing is therapeutic for  me, always has been, and it relieves stress. But also I am hoping that if I continue writing about this I will notice a pattern, or perhaps triggers that appear that I may not have otherwise thought of.

I have been pretty lousy at posting lately. For one, I have been so super busy I seriously don’t know what day it is half the time. The other is that I really have not had anything to say . . .

My hair is at the shortest it has ever been since I started pulling when I was 13. I can’t feel it on the back of my neck, which is disheartening for me. Stress has been high, my job has been particularly stressful lately and both of my kids are dealing with issues right now that are causing a lot of stress (One for puberty and the other for extreme separation anxiety.)

But I don’t know why I have been pulling more than ever before other than that. I have always had a bad spell followed by a good one, and during the latter my hair would at least start to grow back. This time not so much.

I have tried so many medications that I don’t know that I could name them all. My  doctor will say, “Oh, this one’s not working, let’s try this  one instead.” I feel like a lab rat. Each medication will help initially but then when the honeymoon is over my pulling once again reigns the brain.

I am beginning to wonder if I should even continue with the medication. I don’t know that it is having any effect.

I read on a thread about TTM where someone had said they’d tried acupuncture and it helped them to stop pulling. I work with a gal who performs acupuncture, and I hinted to her the other day that I  have an OCD type disorder and if acupuncture could help me. She was very optimistic and said that it could target the anxiety that is causing the TTM. But I am still too afraid to completely tell her what this is .  .. over the last few years since I have begun to tell people I have this I have received mixed reactions — everything from hugging and “anytime you need to talk come find me,” to, “that’s weird, why don’t you just stop doing it?”

I am still terrified of this. I haven’t “owned it” yet.

I am going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding in July, and my hair is so short and patchy and horrible looking that the thought of being in front of all those people is just gut-wrenching. I had previously teased the idea of getting hair extensions, but we have had some unexpected expenses come up and now I know that there is just no way I can afford it.

Uhhhg!!!

 

I vow to write more often.

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