No more hat; renewed determination

Posted: March 30, 2015 in Musings
Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s getting warmer where I live, which makes it more difficult to wear a stocking hat like I have been so accustomed to doing. For one, it is just too warm and for two, wearing a beany when it is 70 degrees outside will draw more attention to my head than I want. Which is not hard to do because I want ZERO attention on my head.

In a weird way I am glad, because I feel like in a way my hat was a crutch. Out of sight, out of mind. I don’t want to be ashamed of how I look anymore. I am plain sick and tired of it. I want to be able to go through each day like a “normal” person. I should wear a hat if I want to, not feel like I have to.

I have gone a few weeks without it now, and I would be lying if I said my anxiety  has not been up. Oddly it is not as bad when I am out at the grocery store or something as it is when I am at work. When I am at the store I know the chances of me seeing any of those people again are pretty slim, so it does not matter to me as much if they notice the big bald spot on the back of my head. I work in an office, and there are several desks behind me, so every time one of the people who sits back there has to go any where else in the office they have to walk behind me to get there. When I hear someone walking behind me I tense up and forget what I was doing, then when they pass I let out a sigh of relief and try to get back on track. No one has said anything about my hair but I know they wonder. If you did not know what this was wouldn’t you? They are too polite and/or shy to ask, but in a way I wish they would so I could come clean and rid myself of some of the anxiety I feel when they walk by. Then at least I would have the comfort of knowing that they knew and weren’t jumping to their own conclusions.

Speaking of grocery shopping, I was out this weekend and couldn’t help but notice several women who were wearing bandannas, scarves, etc. on their heads. I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe they had Trich too. It’s more likely that they were wearing those things as a fashion accessory and not a necessity, but still I wonder. Will I ever meet anyone else who has this?

I have had a lot of stress over the last few weeks. I was doing so well, not pulling much at all, then this last week it has been back to just as bad as its ever been. I’m not proud of it, but I am beating myself up less than I would have even a year ago. I guess that’s progress, though I would love to see more progress happening on the outside than on the inside.

This last weekend I was ready to give up, I just couldn’t take this anymore, I decided to not let it control me, but accept the possible fact that I can’t stop this.

Every time I reach that point, the giving up point, it’s immediately followed by a renewed sense of hope and determination. Something tells me to keep trying, to keep fighting for long hair. I hope I am as strong as I think I am .

  1. innatejames says:

    I identified with you on some level while I was reading this post. I don’t have Trich, but I think most of us have that one thing we wish we could change about ourselves (or six that) that we think EVERYONE notices right away. I think most people are too wrapped up in their own things to notice much about others’ things. You know? Wonderful post! Found you on yeah write.


  2. oldendaysk says:

    Well said. Your hair may be visible to the world, but so many have hidden anxiety. If I passed you on the street, and noticed your hair I would smile knowing that whatever it is you face – today, you are facing it head on!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s