It’s growing back!

Posted: March 20, 2015 in Musings
Tags: , , , , , ,

Maybe one of these days I will have the courage to post photos of my head. Maybe. I see other people doing it in support groups, and I think, “Wow, that takes guts.” I don’t know why I can sit here and blog about it but not post a photo of it.

I can’t believe how much better I am doing with the pulling. I almost don’t want to talk or write about it for fear of jinxing my progress. My doctor upped my dose of Wellbutrin, I’m now on Wellbrutrin XL. So now I take that, Lexapro and Risperdal.

I have not been to my therapist for quite a long time. I’ve been just so busy, life gets in the way of life sometimes, but I keep in mind the tips he has given me. Remember to take deep breaths. Meditate. Sit in a quiet place and let your mind go clear. It sounds simple, but it’s surprisingly hard at first — at first. It gets easier.

Stop the negative self-talk. This has been the hardest thing for me. I am so used to telling myself these things. I am of the belief that if I tell myself these things then it will hurt less if someone else tells me . ..  if someone tells me I am ugly it will bounce off, I can say, “I know.” It lessens the shock. But I can’t think that way anymore, I am determined to stop.

I have really been able to recognize my urges and the times I am likely to pull the most. Night time is the absolute worst. I can go all day without doing it and then the last hour of the day before I go to bed I sabotage my whole day’s progress. I have no idea why, but I do.

I bought some adult coloring books — they are complex, they are filled with geometric shapes and patterns. I color almost every night. It is surprisingly relaxing and therapeutic. It keeps my hands busy.

I have also been going to the gym in the evenings. My employer has set it up so that if we go to the gym 13 times a month my company will pay for it. I couldn’t pass that up, right? When I am working out I am not pulling. It refocuses my energy, it relieves stress. I have been so sore, but oddly I feel better. Not just with the pulling, but overall. I have been sleeping better and I have more energy.

A year ago my hair was the shortest it has ever been. I had pulled it so short that I could not even grab at it anymore. But I can feel it growing back. When I shower I can feel it on the back of my neck. It has been a long time since I felt that.

My hair is super, super curly, so waiting to see progress of the growth is probably the most difficult thing for me. It could grow two inches but because it is so curly it stays as one big afro puff on the top of my head. It does not look like I am making any progress at all, and that is frustrating. If you have this you know what I am talking about.

I think if I could actually see the progress I would stay in better spirits.

But I am not giving up. I am going to beat this! 🙂

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