Not letting Trich define me

Posted: February 26, 2015 in Musings

>In a post I wrote back in January I talked about the fact that I always wear a hat, that it is the only thing that gives me the courage to go out in public, that it literally feels like a part of my body and I am lost without it.

Something happened last week that changed that.

I read a post about Trich that talked about not letting it run your life, not letting it win, not letting it control you. Essentially, disconnect it from yourself. This does not define you. I wish I would have bookmarked it. I will try to find it again and link it here.

I have heard all of that before, from my counselor, the psychologist and other people with Trich, but there was something about this post that sparked a new ambition in me, that breathed new life into my desire to push back on this.

I stopped wearing my hat. Ya, at first it was literally hard to breathe. My hat is my security blanket, my cover, literally, my way to hide from this and protect myself from judging eyes. But, I took a deep breath and let it go.

Since then I have gone mostly without it. I have put it on in times when I am anxious and feel like my pulling is about to get out of control.

For the first few days it was much easier than I thought it would be. I get super paranoid when I know someone is behind me. I know I have a huge bald patch and the rest of my hair is clumped together in groups of varying length and thickness. But aside from that it was OK.

But for some reason, the last two days I have not been able to stop. I have been doing so much better, I was down to only pulling a few strands a day and things were looking up. I thought maybe I was on track to finally kicking this thing in the ass for good.

For the last two days I have found myself doing it more and more. I have been better at catching myself recently, thus being able to stop and pull less, but today and yesterday I have gone back to how it was before . . . blindly pulling for who knows how long before I finally notice and stop.

It is so hard to stay positive, to stay optimistic and remember that this is not me. The real me. I am often reminded of a line from one of my favorite movies, The Labrynth, “You have no power over me.”

I repeat those words to myself several times a day to attempt to keep my motivation in check. This is a minor set back. . . I tell myself. . . It will get better and easier. So much can be said of positive thought.

I’m not ready to put my hat back on. No more hiding. No more shame.

  1. trichdr says:

    Staying positive is so important. The recovery process is like a roller coaster. You are doing good and then wam, another bad patch, often for no apparent reason. Your state of mind is what matters most, keep fighting and remember you will have more good days. Eventually the bad days will be less and less. It’s a long journey filled with self acceptance and commitment. You’re doing all the right things. I’m right here with you, fighting the same fight (also over 20 years). We can do this, it will get better. 🙂


  2. I’ve been wearing hats more often. To me, I feel MORE free with a hat on. I like to mix it up, though. I will wear it in a ponytail when my clothes don’t match a hat, or when a hat would not be appropriate (like for an audition).

    When I was a teacher, we were not allowed to cover our heads, so it is nice to be able to throw a hat on and know I’m not attracting attention.

    There’s a difference between looking your best and hiding from the world. Whatever makes you feel confident, do that!

    Thanks for sharing! I’ve been enjoying your blog.


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