Slow progress

Posted: January 15, 2015 in Musings
Tags: , , , , , , ,

It’s been quite awhile since I have seen my counselor. The holidays were super busy of course, and lately I have been more focused on getting my medications where they need to be. So I have been meeting with the gal who prescribes my meds. She is so sweet.

I’m gonna try to sum up our last two visits.

A few weeks ago when I went to speak to her she asked me some hard questions about myself. That’s one of the many things I did not think about or realize when I first started my journey into beating trichotillomania . . . this issue does not stand on its own, there are underlying issues or skeletons in the closet, if you will, that contribute to it. Those issues must be dealt with first before you can even get to the trich.

My biggest issue that contributes to the anxiety that in turn feeds my trich is the way I look and feel about myself. I literally believe I am the ugliest person on the planet. You won’t see a photo of me on here, and I rarely let anyone take a photo.

That is combined with the idea that I the only one in my town who does this, who has this. I live in Pocatello, Idaho, not exactly a thriving metropolis. My psychologist swears that she has treated other people here who have this, I’ve never met anyone else who has this and I feel incredibly alone. I’ve dealt with this for most of my life and never met anyone else who knows how I feel, how this feels. I mean, of course I have watched tons of videos and chatted with others online, but for me it is really important to physically meet someone else with TTM. That will cement for me the fact that I am not alone in this.

Anyway, I just cried and cried in her office that day. I did not go in with the intent of telling her exactly how I feel about the way I look and the isolation I feel, but when prompted it came out and then some. Is that what the folks in this field would call a break through? I really opened up.

She told me I am beautiful, and of course I did not believe her. I almost get angry when people tell me I am beautiful. It does not happen very often, but when it does I feel like they are flat out lying to me. I don’t want people to lie to make me feel better about myself. I want the truth.

But it felt good, the release.

Anyway, my visit yesterday was better, I didn’t cry. The last few weeks I’ve just felt sort of numb. Not necessarily in a bad way, just that I am not stressed out the way I would have been ordinarily. I’m calm.

I have not been pulling as much. I can go the entire day without doing it and then the last two hours before bed I just go crazy. I am trying to find things to combat that. This blog, for example. When I am typing my hands are busy. I have also been learning how to play guitar (It is so much harder than it looks) . I have also gotten into these intricate adult coloring books that they sell at Costco. Maybe I will post some pictures of those.
I’m trying so hard. I can’t talk to any one about this, but I am trying, all on my own to rid myself of these horrible urges.  And slowly, very slowly, I am noticing a difference. I am feeling better overall. I just wish the progress were faster, but beggars can’t be choosers.

I’ll get through this, and if you reading this have this too, so will you.

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